9 Apartments You Will Tour Before You Move

By Lucy Huber

The not quite finished apartment

This apartment may or may not be done being built. There are no appliances and half of the floor is a gaping hole that leads to the basement. The realtor assures you they’ll get the electricity on by the time you move in, they just have to do a little wiring. OK, all of the wiring.

The nothing included apartment

This apartment seems great for the price. But wait, did you want anything besides walls and a floor? Like, say, appliances? Well, that’s extra. Electricity is extra. Water is extra. Gas is extra. Parking is extra. Access to the laundry room is extra and once you get in there, using the washers and dryers is also extra. Screens on your windows? Extra. Access to the elevator? Extra fee for floors one through five and an additional High Altitude Fee for any floor above five. Would you like to be able to speak to your neighbors? The Small Talk Fee covers topics ranging from pleasantries to the weather (catastrophic weather events not included) and the Personal Conversation Fee covers more in-depth topics. Did you want to be able to walk in and out of your front door whenever you want? That’s called an Entrance and Exit Fee and guess what,. It’s extra.

The possibly haunted apartment

This apartment is beautiful. Pristine hardwood floors, an eat-in kitchen, stainless steel appliances, bay windows, and three bathrooms in a two-bedroom apartment? Unheard of! But maybe it’s a little…too perfect? It’ been on the market for months, why isn’t anyone else taking it? Did the realtor’s clipboard just levitate before he quickly grabbed it out of the air? Why is there a spot in northwest corner of the master bedroom that feels ten degrees colder than the rest of the apartment? If the realtor avoids answering questions about whether or not the walls mysteriously drip blood on the eve of a full moon: run.

The labyrinth apartment

This apartment has a lot of rooms. It’s a five bedroom but all of the bedrooms are are the size of a TJ Maxx dressing room. It takes four wrong turns and a quick check of your Maps app to find the bathroom. The kitchen is galley style and so is the living room. You won’t be able to move in until the previous resident vacates, but their move-out date isn’t set in stone as they are still trying to find the front door.

The too open concept apartment

Good news, this apartment is open concept. Maybe too open concept. It’s only one room for the kitchen, dining room, living room, one of the bedrooms, and the bathroom. One side of the apartment opens up to the neighbor’s apartment which opens up to the backyard. Watch out for raccoons.

The college students currently live here apartment

This apartment could be really cute if the last tenants had ever cleaned any inch of it. There is a layer of grease on the kitchen floor so thick a family of rodents is using it as a skating rink. The only decorations are empty handles of vodka and Bob Marley posters. Luckily, this can be changed, but unfortunately the living room wall they painted with a bullseye and used as a dart board is permanently damaged. The smell of raspberry vape juice will linger forever.

The garden-level apartment

There is absolutely no garden here, it’s a basement. There are a lot of centipedes, though.

The apartment in a hip neighborhood

This apartment is centrally located to all the hottest restaurants and bars. It’s only steps away from public transportation and has a view of a Bansky mural. It features Edison lights, exposed pipes, one brick wall, and subway tile. All the finishings are copper. You will need 17 gainfully employed roommates and one who recently won the state lottery to afford this one bedroom apartment. You can either live here or purchase a sovereign island nation, it’s up to you, but the coffee shop downstairs does make really good matcha lattes.

The perfect apartment

This is the apartment is not perfect. It’s not in the neighborhood you wanted, it doesn’t have a dishwasher, and one of the bedrooms is painted a weird avocado color. But it isn’t any of the other apartments, so you will rent it. And maybe paint the bedroom one day.

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