The Spring Cleaning Drinking Game

By: Kealia Reynolds Spring
Photo by Thomas Picauly

Spring cleaning is hardly anybody’s favorite task, but throwing in a little alcohol might give you the necessary kick to get the job done. So turn on Grey Gardens, don some yellow rubber gloves and a face mask, tie your hair back, and have the booze on deck. Spring cleaning just got a whole lot better. Cheers.

Take a swig after:

  • Freezing for five minutes because of how much you don’t want to do this. You can do it. I believe in you.
  • Wiping down the kitchen counter with a Clorox wipe. Baby steps.
  • Changing your air filter. Just trying to save you from breathing sub-par air.
  • Dusting your bookshelf. And then another swig after cleaning the floor and the bed of the dust you just swept off the shelf.
  • Dusting everywhere else. If you thought dusting your shelves was bad, just wait until you clean your ceiling fan.
  • Finding a questionable stain on the carpet. Don’t ask any questions. Just use a heavy-duty carpet cleaner to remove the evidence.
  • Throwing out every expired food item from your fridge. Take another swig after you realize that you now need to make a grocery run because your fridge is now completely bare.
  • Changing batteries in the smoke detector. Because fire safety is important.
  • Washing your sheets. Hopefully you’ve washed them before this point. If not, we’re judging you.
  • Tying up a bag of trash. Don’t worry, you’ll have about five more by the end of the day.

Take a shot after:

  • Cleaning your baseboards. Trust me, you’ll need one after wiping away all of the dust that’s accumulated over the past months…or year(s).
  • You find a box of love letters from your high school boyfriend under your bed. Take another shot for the memories they’ll bring back. “Big Girls Don’t Cry” is creeping its way into your head, but you are most definitely crying.
  • Organizing all of your T-shirts into four piles: one to give away, one to make into a T-shirt quilt (don’t ever do this), one to wear, and a pile for shirts that you just like but can’t bring yourself to get rid of. Take another shot after making the executive decision to not do anything with them and just put them back in their respective drawers.
  • Switching out all of your cold-weather clothing to warm-weather clothing. Say goodbye to sweaters, Ugg boots (you know what, just throw those out altogether), and scarves from Meemaw.
  • Sneezing for two minutes straight. It’s bound to happen.
  • Mopping, sweeping, and vacuuming your floors. Just pretend you’re getting ready for the ball. Except Prince Charming is Malibu Rum and when the clock strikes midnight, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll still be cleaning.
  • Washing your windows (inside and out). But maybe wait until pollen season is over so you don’t have yellow streaks all over your windows.
  • Finding random socks in your closet and laundry room. How I always end up with a single men’s size-12 sock in my laundry will always be a mystery to me.
  • Finding money. A penny, nickel, dime, whatever—you’re rich. Bottoms up.

Take a large gulp (or two) after:

  • You take on your bathroom. This job definitely requires some liquid courage. After scrubbing mildew out of your bathtub, sealing grout lines, wiping excess hair off the floor, and getting rid of all the gunk in your sink, you deserve a drink or two.
  • Organizing your Tupperware. So. Many. Mismatched. Lids.
  • Carrying the garbage bags out to the dumpster. You’re almost there.
  • Laying on the (now clean) floor. You made it. And consider downing a whole bottle (or gallon) of water while you’re at it.

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